Nicholas Lea on Saturday Night Live

[Comedy, 1998]

[Nick and DD on SNL]

Nick was in the episode that aired May 9, 1998 - the one hosted by David Duchovny. He was in the opening skit. Here's a transcript:

[X-FILES theme plays ]

(Exterior shot of government building.)

10:47 PM

(David Duchovny as Mulder is sitting at his desk in his office, typing on a laptop computer.)

MULDER: (voiceover) A new ally has joined me in my fight to uncover the truth, to break the web of governmental deceit and conspiracy. This ally, who I believe may be operating at the highest level of government has up until this point remained anonymous. tonight I will meet at last this man, who until now, I have known only as a husky voice on the phone, and his code name of all things, "Deep Throat."


MULDER: Who is it?

DEEP VOICE: It's me, Deep Throat.

MULDER: (opening door) At last, the man I've been waiting to meet.

("Janet Reno" enters - actually a guy in drag.)

JANET RENO: Man? (removes coat) Take another look at this body.

MULDER: Janet Reno?

JANET RENO: Maybe. Okay, yes. Now let me help you pick your jaw up off the floor.

MULDER: I can't believe you're the one sending me these messages. The alien coverup must reach that high up.

JANET RENO: Alien coverup? What, do I have to hit you over the head with a board? I was coming on to you.

MULDER: Are you trying to deny that your messages weren't about extraterrestrial life? What about when you said you wanted to show me videotapes of aliens?

JANET RENO: Aliens is one of my favorite movies. I thought you could come over and we would watch it and have brie.


JANET RENO: I also have Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael.

MULDER: You also said somebody in the Justice Department wanted to give me a UFO. Now that couldn't be more clear. It's about UFOs.

JANET RENO: Oh, great. Then you won't mind if you treat you to an "Unbelievably Ferocious Orgasm."

MULDER: Come on. Uh, what about "I want to give you an opportunity to examine an out of this world body" - oh. Okay, now I'm starting to get it.

JANET RENO: By the way, that offer still stands. (strokes Mulder's face and puts hand on Mulder's thigh)

MULDER: So, to meet me you went so far as to send me messages and take a code name, "Deep Throat"?

JANET RENO: Code name? Hell, "Deep Throat" was my old sorority nickname.

MULDER: Janet, I have never met you before in my life. I don't understand why would you pursue me like this.

JANET RENO: Oh, Mulder. (strokes his face) Ever since I saw you at the Justice Department picnic, I haven't been able to get you off my mind.

MULDER: That's right, I remember seeing you there, too. You ate, like, 60 pancakes, didn't you. Yeah, I remember that. You had a crowd chanting "Janet, Janet, Janet!"

JANET RENO: Okay, I like pancakes. Let's move on. Ever since that day I've kept an extensive file on you. Let's see. (pulls out folder) Special Agent Mulder, first name Fox. I'll say. Height, a delicious 6-1. Weight, 185 pounds of Grade A chuck. And then I just wrote "Mrs. Janet Mulder" about 300 times. See?

MULDER: Yes, I see. Listen, I'm flattered, Janet, but I'm married to my work and plus I'm really, really into pornography.

JANET RENO: Who isn't?

MULDER: Well, I hope there's no hard feelings. But if you'll excuse me, my partner Scully is about to join me.

JANET RENO: Scully! I got a file on that pouty-lipped ice queen, too. She's always "Oh, I'm so skeptible - skeptical about that. No, I'm sure there's a reasonable scientific explanation for that." If I ever see her, I will do my karate on her. (does karate move) Ow.

("Scully" enters, holding file folder)

SCULLY: Mulder, I'm skeptical about your conclusion, here. I'm sure there is a reasonable scientific explan - ahhhh!


(Janet Reno attacks and kicks Scully down.)

MULDER: (going to Scully) Scully!

JANET RENO: (bowing) Thank you, Miyagi.

MULDER: Scully!

JANET RENO: She'll be all right. Won't be first time she's woken up with a headache and a few bruises. What's that, Scully, you want mo' stuff?

(Janet Reno starts to attack again. Mulder steps between them.)

MULDER: Hey, hey! Now you've gone too far. Get out of here!

JANET RENO: All right, but before I go....

(Janet Reno grabs Mulder, and gives him a big kiss on lips. Mulder falls back on desk.)

MULDER: Oh, my god. That kiss. It feels like there is a flying saucer in my pants.

JANET RENO: Oh, yeah? Too bad Foxy, you had your chance. Anyway, I've already got my own sweet piece of FBI meat. Oh, Krycek.

Krycek appears Nick pretends his arm is fake

(Nick Lea enters to enthusiastic applause, and makes a show of using his right hand to lift his "fake" left arm over Janet's shoulders.)

KRYCEK: Come on, Janet baby, let's roll.

MULDER: Krycek, no!

JANET RENO: Alex is with the real FBI, the "Female Body Inspectors."

KRYCEK: Yeah. Anyway, see you later, Mulder.

[At the NY Expo Sunday, Nick said he was supposed to have another line here. He was supposed to say, "You're such an idiot, Mulder." But David jumped on him before he could say the line. He's not sure if DD was just nervous, or really didn't want him to say it!]

MULDER: I am not gonna let you steal her from me.

(Mulder punches Krycek several times. Krycek falls.)

Mulder beats up Krycek Nick does that hair-smoothing thing again

JANET RENO: Big mistake, my friend. (punches Mulder out) Let's go, honey. (Krycek tries to get at Mulder. Janet Reno restrains him.) It's okay. It's okay. You're with me. (to Scully, who's still on the floor) Sweet dreams, whore!

JANET RENO: And as for you, Mulder - (to camera) Live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!

Nick also appeared at the end, where David thanked "My man, Nick Lea!"

Saturday Night Live Video Clips:

Mulder beats up Krycek. (About 3.3 Mb. Courtesy of Club NL.)

Nick Lea and David Duchovny say good night at the end of the show. (About 2 Mb. Courtesy of Club NL.)

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